I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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