I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
