I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Randomize