Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
