do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
