He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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