i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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