I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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