Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize