Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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