But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
