Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Randomize
