I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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