It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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