Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
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