I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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