Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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