And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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