Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
