You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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