i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Randomize
