thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Randomize
