well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
