the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
