The maid of honor just puked.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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