I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
