I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
