I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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