i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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