Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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