she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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