Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize