Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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