bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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