Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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