Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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