I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
