You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
