i'm signing you up for texting rehab
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
