mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
