how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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