I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Can I color on your dick again?
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
