Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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