I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
OPIZZABONMYDICK
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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