i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
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