Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
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