hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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