During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
