his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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