enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize
