I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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