i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
