he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
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