I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
