Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
