im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
