Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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