I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
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