This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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