Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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