The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize