Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
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