My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
